Archive for October, 2011


indecisive

i’ve got a few days before enrolment starts again.

i’ve got an internship offer, i think.

i have to work on my own now; no need to bother anyone.

(this may be the last time i have to think thrice.)

 

i’m considering to file a Leave of Absence in the university.  if i do it, in a matter of days, i have time to work (find a work actually). i’ll earn for myself, without asking anyone for my bills and allowance or shit. i can grab the internship offer and get some tutorial stuff, this i can do without being pressured and devastated by acad life. but i have responsibilities and commitments. i’d be leaving my orgs i consider as my family.  i think it all explains well, for now.

that’s it. i’m torn. now i can feel the relentless pressure and agony inside my head.

it’s so hard to decide for yourself. especially when it will affect others. others means other people, other beings, other minds. you’ll have to consider what others will think. yet, all the decisions will be redirected to you. all (internal and external) factors must be weighed without bias. this way, your pros and cons will appear. then, you decipher it. rationality will come across. which will bring you more convenience? which will just produce more problems? which will give you enough time to think again? at some point, though it’s quite difficult, this enables self-discovery.

now, options have been given. i just have to think more accurately, more responsibly, more as an adult. of course, confusions are always there but you have to focus on your goals and prospects.

if you are about to decide on something big, never compare yourself to others. it will make a mess on your reasoning, on the outcomes and your perspectives. just consider them; what they think and feel, how would it affect them, what are the external circumstances, etc. it’s hard to locate the dividing line between the two. and it all depends on your thinking. make sure you don’t cross that damn line, or else you’ll be dead.

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change of plans

it's always good to have a back-up plan.

change of plans.

before, i dreamt of becoming an engineer. just like what my father was (though he’s not a ‘real’ engineer, he worked for a construction firm for 13 yrs, which i think influenced me a lot. i mean, a lot.)

so anyare?

halos 6yrs na ang itinagal ko sa eng’g, at ngayon ay nagbabalak akong lumipat sa Geology (o kaya Geography, pwede ring Econ).

SAYANG!!!’

Bakit ngayon pa? Nagti-thesis ka na di ba??’

Onti na lang, Ituloy mo na!’

nang malaman ng iba ang plano ko, ilan sa kanila nagulat, nagtaka. may ilang pinipilit umintindi. NR naman sa iba.

kahit nung una, hesitant pa ko sa desisyon ko. nagda-dalawang isip kung itutuloy pa. sayang actually. nalampasan ko na ang lahat ng ES subjects at ilang majors ng CE, at nagti-thesis na rin. pero parang may kulang, o may hinahanap lang ako. may nararamdaman naman akong excitement sa tuwing magsosolve para sa exam o kahit magbasa lang at magaral. gusto ng bago, curious kumbaga. a typical attribute ng isang UP student. pero ayun, di ako sure kung eng’g ang calling ko. nung una pa lang, interesado na ako sa Geol, lalo na nung nag-Geol 11 ako. kinarir ko yun at nakakuha ng 1.25. ang pinakamataas kong non-major pero required subject. after non, nag-isip-isip na akong mag-shift sa Geol.

tuloy ang buhay. tinuloy ko pa rin ang CE. siguro pride at fulfillment na rin kaya ako nag-stay. kinaya ko ang lahat ng subjects hanggang 6th yr, 1st sem though may mga bagsak (well, normal yun sa isang ‘normal’ na UP student). at ayun, heto na nga. nararamdaman ko na bumibigat na yung kagustuhan kong magshift. ang stupid, pero more of external factors and naka-influence sa pseudo-decision na ito. MGA PROBLEMA. sa mga subjects at profs mismo,sa pamilya, sa org, sa friends at sa sarili ko. ayoko nang mag-elaborate. masyadong komplikado. 😀

tingin ko ganon talaga pag di ka na masaya sa ginagawa mo. maghahanap ka ng mga rason para iwasan ito. hanggang maging excuse na talaga sila ng tuluyan. may isang batchmate na nag-pm sa ken, ‘kaya mo yan! bawal sumuko. tae naman kasi to. dati naguusap pa tayo tungkol sa ce nung math53/54 pa lang tayo‘. (hahaha. nakaka-emo.) oo nga, naaalala ko pa to, sa math building :D. sino bang nagsabing sumusuko ako? alam kong kaya ko ang CE! nagkataon nga lang na hindi ngayon ang tamang panahon. hindi sa ganitong sitwasyon. bilang competitive ako, (at ayokong pinapakita na weak ako) hindi pagsuko ang tawag sa gagawing kong ito. it’s how you call change of plans.

hindi ibig sabihin ng change of plans ay sumusuko ka na sa naging una mong mga plano at balak. pinlano ko ang lahat at binalak makatapos sa 5th yr, 1st sem. kaya ko yon, promise. pero iba ang  mga nangyare eh. intense. external circumstances na hindi ko na-anticipate at walang wala sa mga plano. kaya may change of plans. kaya may plan b. at ito na yun. ang lumipat ng tatahaking landas. unless may goal ka na gusto mong ma-achieve, at ito ay hindi para sa ikakabagsak mo at masaya ka habang ginagawa mo ito, hindi mo pwedeng i-consider na fail ang taong nag-iba ng plano sa buhay. this is for my own good and development, i think.

nagpapasalamat din ako sa mga taong nagsabi ng comments sa itaas. nakahanap pa ako ng rason para idefend ang sarili ko at hindi mawala ang concentration sa pag-iba ng plano. sa mga taong pinipilit intindihan at ako’y naiintindihan, salamat din. i know that despite of this, you still support me. at least alam kong nandyan kayo sa likod ko at handa akong suportahan ano man ang maging desisyon ko.

gusto ko lang ireiterate, contingency plans are made not for the reason that you failed with your plan A but because you see more opportunities and betterment (and success) with your plan B.

plans of change.